


city of stars

by korumiis (orphan_account)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, killua and kurapika bonding moment, killua doesnt want leorio to get hurt, kurapika is visiting, kurapika vents, they talk about leorio
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:00:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26102344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/korumiis
Summary: kurapika and killua talk about leorio.
Relationships: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight
Comments: 6
Kudos: 109





	city of stars

**Author's Note:**

> this was originally a work for my chat fic - call tonight?

the click of the front door shutting was what woke killua up from the couch. he sat up groggily, rubbing his eyes, and checked the digital clock leorio kept in the kitchen.

**4:52 A.M.**

_jesus._ he checked the floor next to him. kurapika was missing. he put two and two together and groaned quietly to himself, careful not to wake gon and leorio. he got up and slipped on his shoes, and followed kurapika's faint footsteps. he kept a distance between them. he didn't want kurapika to catch him, in case he was off doing some shady business. it'd make good blackmail. 

kurapika left the building and walked on the street for a few minutes, finally stopping at a bridge over a river. the night was chilly, and killua regrets not bringing a hoodie. he moves and stands next to kurapika, facing the skyline. the lights look like stars.

the two boys stand in silence. the soft waves of the stream below and the harsh winds make up for a nice background.

killua thinks. should he say something? there is something he wants to say. but he doesn't know if it'll spark an argument, and he doesn't want to ruin this for leorio and gon. he remembers the movie. he remembers glancing down from the bed to see kurapika and leorio sitting close to each other on the floor. kurapika's head is rested atop leorio's shoulder. the height difference between the two make it look a bit uncomfortable, but he doesn't think they mind. the light of the tv shines on leorio's face, and he's not paying attention to the movie at all. instead, he's smiling softly at the boy beside him. killua thinks he's never going to see that smile again.

killua thinks about when they were driving to chipotle. leorio and kurapika in the front seat. leorio only has one hand on the wheel, the other on the middle console separating him from his boyfriend. he can't pretend he doesn't notice his hands and fingers moving back and forth with hesitancy, trying to work up the courage to hold kurapika's hand. 

killua thinks about even the subtlest hints in their interactions. their gaze longing in each other's eyes for a little bit more, and the smile sticking a little longer as they look at each other after a good laugh. 

"you and leorio fucking?" killua starts. not the best way to begin a conversation, but it's what comes out of his mouth.

"christ." kurapika chuckles under his breath, shaking his head. something about that chuckle sets killua off. _is this funny to you?_ killua genuinely cares for leorio, though he'd never say it aloud. he _knows_ he'll never see that smile from leorio again, and he hates kurapika for that.

"cut the shit, kurapika." he turns to him, frowning. he expects kurapika to have some kind of amused smile that says _you caught me,_ but kurapika's eyes look dull. his mouth is drawn in a straight line, and he's focused on the view ahead of him. "you're leading him on." killua accuses. there is a long moment of silence, just the two of them. killua's eyes don't leave kurapika's.

kurapika's thoughts are too loud - killua can hear them. he's searching his heart for the words to convince killua that what they have is genuine.

"i love him." kurapika settles on. "i don't know why you think i'm leading him on. i confessed after he did." killua watches his face carefully when he speaks. he's looking for any hint of amusement. any hint that would prove that kurapika is indeed a piece of shit. but kurapika has the same look on his face. kurapika just looks _numb._

"i love him," kurapika repeats, like he's trying out the phrase. killua can faintly see kurapika mouth it under his breath. he can't stand watching him. 

he scoffs, _bullshit_ , and returned to his initial position of copying kurapika. he leans on the railing, looking out at the darkness of the night. "but you're still going to leave him in the dirt." when kurapika doesn't reply, killua takes that as a sign to finalize his thoughts. "that doesn't sound like love to me." but he doesn't really know love either, does he?

the long seconds of silence between the two boys after every sentence is painful. killua can hear kurapika's thoughts, and kurapika never thought silence could be so loud. 

killua tries not to acknowledge the signs that kurapika felt the same way. he remembers when they were all just talking, and leorio casually put his arm around kurapika's shoulders. he pretends not to notice kurapika visibly blush and try to hide his embarrassment. he tries to pretend not to notice kurapika's uncharacteristic stuttering whenever leorio would make close contact with him or say whisper something in his ear. he tries not to notice kurapika's constant crave for leorio's physical touch.

"we talked about it. i explained to him the consequences and the risks of a relationship, and he agreed without a second thought." kurapika says. killua's about to interrupt him by calling bullshit, but kurapika is quick to beat him to it. "i told him where the line is drawn. i told him all the negatives. i told him he could take it back, and no hard feelings." there's a hint of desperation in his voice. he sounds like he's trying to convince killua, but also himself, that this will work. 

"you really think he'd take it back after finding out you love him too?" killua knows kurapika's not that dumb. "he loved you this whole time. he won't give you up for anything. he's taking all he can get of you, and you're slowly tearing it away from him."

"i know." kurapika mumbles. those two words are enough to make killua's blood boil. 

"so then save him the trouble! he's going to get hurt, and you know this! his heart's too big for his own good, and it's in _your_ hands. you ought to be a little less fucking selfish." 

"why won't you let us _try_? why can't you let me have this one thing?" kurapika asks softly. killua's a bit taken aback by that. he expects kurapika to argue. he _wants_ kurapika to argue. he wants kurapika's eyes to burn red. maybe then killua will be convinced.

there's a few more minutes of silence. god, killua fucking _hates_ the silence. it's broken by a faint shudder from killua. kurapika picks up on it, and glances at him.

killua's hugging himself.

it reminds him of killua's past, his several years of endless torture to become a killing machine. how alone and _cold_ he must've been. kurapika then thinks about gon. he thinks about the friendship gon and killua have. he hates to admit it, but he's jealous of it. he's jealous of how easy a smile comes to killua's face when he's around gon. he wants to feel that, too.

"sometimes i wish i were more like you." kurapika says, breaking the silence.

"i don't know why you would want to." killua looks at him. he has never seen kurapika look so defeated. 

"maybe because you're able to move on. you're able to put your past behind you, at least a little, and you're able to be happy in the present. you're able to be happy with gon. i think that makes you strong." he mumbles, sinking down into his own arms a bit. killua doesn't know how he's supposed to reply. thankfully, kurapika changes the subject after a couple seconds.

"are you cold, killua?" kurapika asks. killua doesn't answer. he's upset, until he feels warmth around his back and shoulders. kurapika's cardigan. 

"you need it more than me." he mumbles. killua looks at him, puzzled. he doesn't ask him to elaborate. he assumes it has something to do with worth. 

"killua, can i tell you something?" killua doesn't realize how much it annoys him when kurapika says his name. he doesn't reply, and kurapika doesn't take that as a _no._

"sometimes i feel like i'm already dead." 

silence.

"sometimes..." he closes his eyes and listens to the wind and the crashing of the waves. he wants to tell killua, a friend whose alive, how he feels. he wants to tell someone. "i feel like my clan is dragging me down with them. i feel like i..." he trails off. he's silent for a few seconds. "i don't know. i feel like i'm dead with the rest of them, already."

killua doesn't talk. he refuses to. but he listens. he can still hear kurapika's thoughts buzzing. he somewhat feels bad for all the spider jokes he makes. he hasn't considered kurapika's past genuinely. but kurapika said it's fine, and it's somehow helping him relieve going batshit anytime he sees something that resembles a spider.

killua doesn't want to feel sorry. he wants to shout at him to shut up, and stop being selfish and turning this into his traumatic fucking backstory, but there's something in his throat holding him back.

"leorio makes me feel alive." _ah,_ killua thinks, _that's where this is going._ "he makes me smile. he makes me forget about vengance, about anger, about hatred. he makes me want to _stay_." he takes a deep breath before continuing. "that's why i can't." 

_stay, you fucking idiot._ killua wants to say. _then fucking stay. we can all be happy. leorio can be happy. you can be happy. you're fucking ruining it all._

but he knows it's far more complex than he thinks. he will never fully understand kurapika, and what kurapika is after, and what kurapika will gain. he understands the basics, but that's just the tip of a very bloody ice berg. 

"i really want to be with leorio." he admits. "so bad. but i'm scared that i will lose him. what if we end up failing, and we lose each other for good? we worry about each other. he worries about me, and i worry about him. he calls me, and i don't answer half of the time. i can rely on him, but can he say the same for me?"

"you're worried that you'll drag him down." killua says. kurapika nods.

"i don't want to drag him into the mess i'm in. so i keep a distance between us. it's not fair to either of us, really, but i love him too much." 

killua looks at kurapika, and kurapika finally looks back. they make eye contact. killua can see the vulnerabilities exposed in kurapika's eyes; it's a change from the eyes that were of a soldier. kurapika's eyes carried anger, hatred, and vengance. but the look that kurapika has now, it doesn't look like it belongs on him. everything is laid out, and everything is accepted. 

"gon wants to get breakfast this morning." killua mumbles. "don't leave early. come along with us. you'll get to spend more time with your boyfriend, anyway." 

kurapika's a bit surprised by the invitation, but he's not complaining.

just this once, he doesn't feel the need to push them away. 

"okay." killua hears the smile in his voice, and they watch the sun rise together. 


End file.
